Navigating Grief: A Poetic Journey Through Loss & Resilience
Once Upon A Time
A fairytale my life used to be
As we lived in a fairyland by the sea
Island living ended as continents drew near
Life shifted yet family always lent an ear
At times parted by oceans and countless miles
Time zones making it difficult to speak
Connection however was never out of reach
A bond thicker than water
Stronger than steel
A diamond molded by the stars
Family
Drawn together by our own unique gravitational pull
We changed the world to our whim
We are the lucky ones
Knock knock
Let us in
A life lived by memorable moments
Seconds stretched on to infinity as we made each moment last as long as needed
Happiness, boundless joy, love was in the air
Bliss
Who knew the snake that gave the apple
Would be water as it formed our downfall
Our garden would be disturbed by a few disgustingly simple words
They found a body and they think it’s hers
Haunting, daunting, mind altering
The tectonic plates shifted that day in the least favorable way
Why couldn’t she just be ok
A text that stopped the world
A text that made me want to hurl
A text that altered my brain chemistry
A text etched forever in my memory
“Don’t want to overly worry you but mom hasn’t showed up back at the hotel after her hike- should have been there hours ago- a search and rescue team is going in to try and find her - will let you know if I hear anything further.”
Eight o three
Stop, shift
Quick stop and think
Who comes to mind when your life is on the brink
Snap of the fingers
Snap snap snap
Look at what the screen says
Snap snap snap
You have to go
Go find her
I know, I know I have to go
Prepared I’ll never be for this journey out into the darkest waters
Capitán of a black, four wheeled boat I sought her
Is there a heaven?
Is there a hell?
Hell on earth what a likely thing
Man oh man give that damn snake a ring
He sure played his fiddle right from the very start
What more is there to give for you already have my heart
Wife, Mom, Grandmother, Friend and more
What made that traitor close her door
Slam, shut, click, close
Her light turned off and only he knows
One twenty four
At the trailhead, beginning my hike
Beautiful day without a cloud in sight
Pictures came in for the family to see
As we all gathered round the Christmas tree
Pictures of the present
Not the past you see
Pleasantly presently present presenting picturesque perfection perfectly
For only us to see
One foot in front of the other
Sticks in hand, boots on tight
Not a single danger in sight
You have to keep the rhythm
Keep your pace
There isn’t anything you can’t face
Feel your vision, see through the prism
You aren’t a victim
Weather shifts as she descends
Not even an hour in and she’s met her end
One picture unsent for us to unveil
One picture left from fairyland trail
One picture on life’s sliding scale
One picture left in her fairytale
One picture left for us to observe
One picture … then life’s an exponential curve
Tower bridge on fairyland trail
A moment in time being lived by a snail
Up and up away we go
Hold on tight your in for a show
What the hell just occurred
Wait, stop, halt, the afterword
Thump thump
Thump thump
Thump thump
Silence
37 . 63 07 81
-111 . 13 38 68
They found a body and they think it’s hers
Swallowed up in the jaws of a water serpent
Moving fast with no escape
Mother Nature is the fiend of this story
And not even Plato can solve this with an allegory
The cave that Plato talks about
Filled with the liquid that took out our Girl Scout
A torrent of water came forth
Tauntingly whispered follow me ol sport
It’s hard to explain how a few precious things seem to follow throughout all our lives
After all said and done I’m just watching my girls sleeping there with my bear by their side
Please, let me multiply my heartbeat
Come back find that path
Descend the flooded cave passages
Bring us back that light that the snake took from us that night
Help us through the fog
You gave us the prologue
Follow us from antiquity
I need you here in modernity
I need you
Earthquake
Spin shatter shake
I don’t like these tectonic plates
Recreate my old fairyland
Bring me back to my island home
Bring me back to the place I’ve always known
Your story isn’t over
Here take this four leaf clover
Dammit mom I miss you
I don’t know how we’re going to pull through when all we do now is live life with one eye in the rear view
I know this to be true
I do, I have always and I will always deeply love you
On the 25th of August 2023 Jeanne R Howell was tragically swept away by a flash flood while hiking in Bryce Canyon on Fairyland Loop Trail. A month and a couple of weeks later - on the 14th of October 2023 Benjamin Howell (son), Brianna Howell (wife of Ben), Marcus Howell (nephew), Andy Howell (nephew), Jordan Hackney (neice), and Jason Hackney (husband of Jordan) hiked via GPS coordinates to the exact location where she last rested. Unknown to them at the time, it was also the day of the solar eclipse. While hiking and searching for the location they shared memories of their Mother, Aunt, Wife, Grandmother, and Friend. It was a difficult trip to make but it was so profound in its own sense. After reaching the end of the wash they found the tree and last resting spot. They built a carne in her memory and spread some of her ashes there. This poem was written directly after returning home from that trip.
After looking through the photos of the trip we also noticed quite a lot of photos had multiple light orbs in them.
Written By: Benjamin Howell
